One of my daughters has been taking a martial arts class for a few years. We learned these self-defense tips from her sensei and I have loved how widely applicable they are:
FOUR RULES FOR SELF DEFENSE
Don’t be alone
Stay in the light
Windows are not mirrors
Have boundaries
I hope these are clear enough in terms of self-defense because in case you’re new to me, self-defense is not actually what I’ll be addressing :) At least not physical self-defense. Are these not incredibly beneficial life principles?
ONE - ALONE: Most human predators are cowards. When in public, you’re unlikely to get attacked physically if you’re in a group. How does this apply to relationships? It points to the importance of our team. The people we surround ourselves with make all the difference in our susceptibility to influences.
Your convictions and ideals will be strengthened as you spend time with others of the same mindset. They’ll be tested when you step outside that comfortable circle. This can be good or bad, so just be aware.
Associating with people of other affiliations, opinions and perspectives is the stuff that makes the world around. The more people at the table, the more we have to gain!
But when it comes to the majority of our meaningful time, keep in mind that your closest circles have majority influence. Play in the stream and you’ll get wet. Play in the mud… you get the picture.
Protect yourself by choosing to engage with others, but do it carefully. One of my favorite descriptions of Kelly came from my brother shortly after we were married. “He’s the guy you want with you in a dark alley.” In my dark alley days, it is beyond comforting to know he’s there.
TWO - LIGHT: There are simply too many analogies to prove the concept of staying in the light. As an artist I’ve learned that artistry is more about seeing than anything. When someone tells me they can’t draw a stick figure, I say, “That’s great cuz most figures don’t look like sticks anyway.”
One time I had to perform a piano solo on stage and everything had gone smoothly in dress rehearsal but the evening of the performance a very minor adjustment incited chaos for me. As I approached the piano everything seemed as rehearsed until I came to the keys and noticed the light. It wasn’t where it should’ve been. Whether a spotlight modification or slight change in the angle of the piano, a shadow was cast onto the top half of all the keys and all I could see were the ivories.
Unfortunately the black keys toward the top half are the map and without them, there’s no telling where you are. Luckily that night I learned from experience the very real applicability of muscle memory and once I fumbled into my starting position I was in the clear.
Light! All living things need it.
THREE - WINDOWS: Apparently, a predatory tactic is to wait for someone to look at their reflection in a tinted window. The warning here is to be aware of what lurks behind and apply the principle that not everything is what it seems.
My neighbors have two dogs. Ozzie is a beautiful, full size Doberman with the iconic warning bark. Weenie is their little Dachshund. One is a little more apt to scare off intruders but strangers don’t know what I know. The real threat is Mr. Weenie! Ozzie is a big teddy bear and more likely to run away from a threat. I’m much more terrified by that nasty little Dachshund. Be observant. Not everything is what it seems.
FOUR - BOUNDARIES: A wise therapist once told me that having boundaries was one of the most loving things I could do. Admittedly, this idea was not welcomed. Loving someone means giving wholly to them, right? Even when it involves sacrifice or discomfort, if you love someone you should put their needs before your own, right? Flight attendants have it all wrong. If my plane is going down, I’m making sure my loved ones have a mask first… right?
Those who side with the FAA will offer a quick rebuttal; you’re no good to your loved ones if you’re not breathing yourself. And it’s a good point.
If you enable someone by giving in too much, it’ll ruin the relationship. They’ll either become dependent - which is crippling, or entitled - which can turn them into abusers. Both results are weakening for both them and you. Setting a boundary isn’t rude. It shows respect for yourself and others and clears the air. It’s actually empowering.
I’m the first to admit, this is a big weakness for me. I’m still not fully on board with the FAA. Just be warned it’s a delicate principle that does require balance.
So as far as boundaries go, learn to:
Set them. Have a chat in the mirror and decide what you’re willing to give
Communicate them. If you’re having trouble getting the message across, here’s another tip from Mom. Use this script: “When you… I feel… because…”
Enforce them. It’s literally the definition of “boundary”
One last GUIDING PRINCIPLE of self defense according to Sensei:
“Where the head goes the body follows.” Meaning if you can thwart an attacker’s head, their body will follow whatever direction their head goes.
As far as life principles go, I love this quote from Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu:
“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
Not just your body but your whole life will follow your head. Be careful with your thoughts, your goals and dreams, your regrets and doubts. You will follow them.
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