If I was only able to share one life-altering mantra with the world it would be "You control you." My kids would tout it as my single most frequent momism. With gusto, I hope. Because they hear me say it all... the... time.
When a driver cuts you off on the road, he’s not making you upset. You let yourself get upset. When you hear a notification ping on your phone, how quickly do you feel the need to check it? In other words, does your phone control you? Or do you control you?
Frustration often happens because we’re either:
Trying to control something/someone we can’t
Letting something/someone else control us
When situations are out of your control:
I have a daughter who’s overcoming some severe health problems. We lost track long ago of emergency visits and hospital admissions. It’s frustrating when we feel like we’re doing all the right things to treat and manage her illness and still she backslides.
A handful of times we’ve been with her in the hospital with absolutely no ability to influence whether or not she pulls through. Those are the worst days. In those moments I have to hone in on the things I can control. Worrying about what’s out of my hands has zero benefit.
Do any of these sound familiar? In a hurry to an appointment, you take a shortcut and end up behind an active duty school bus. You send an email to the wrong recipient. You use grass killer instead of fertilizer. There’s a red sock in the white wash.
In many situations, there’s nothing you can do to remediate. You’ve walked the path with irrevocable footsteps. All you can do is deal.
Your attitude and choices when you're in a bind are the most revealing of character. It may seem like your control is gone, but that’s far from true and probably when your decisions have the most significant consequences. Learn to not take that shortcut, check labels and offer apologies. You control you in these critical times and you’ll be able to turn losses into wins.
When people - no wait. People are always out of your control.
When someone gets angry, who’s problem is it? Theirs. When someone gets angy at you, who’s problem is that? Still theirs. Don’t let it become yours.
There’s not a lot you can do about the weather, your kids’ tempers, delayed flights, bad haircuts, or a gazillion other things. But you can control you. Don’t give that power to anyone or anything else.
Every parent finds out real quick they have little to no control of their kids. They can control consequences and environments and they should. But their emotions are out of our wheelhouse.
Parents, what you can do is teach your kids this concept. When sister whines, “He’s making me cry!” You control you, sis. When teacher didn’t tell them the assignments was due, when they’r’e unprepared, or late, or bothered, or stressed...
You control you.
If you're feeling powerless right now, hang on. Here's the point - don't focus so much on what you can't control because I guarantee you're not taking advantage of all within your power. Here are three opportunities for you to improve your control:
Your actions. Here’s a simple test. Are you acting or reacting? If the latter, you’re not in control.
Your environment. Sometimes you’re in an environment that makes control difficult. It’s true, we are subjects of our environment but most of the time, if you think about it, your environment is something you can control.
Your opinions. Here's a class they should teach in school - How to disagree amicably. It's actually a sign of maturity... diversity makes the world go round.
When someone or something is upsetting you, look inside yourself. Don’t be toxic and cast blame or throw shame. And unless you're a sky marshal, don't try to control someone else. It’ll backfire anyway. Take one of these two productive actions; help the situation, or help yourself deal with it.
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