Fourth Cookie Syndrome

There is a phenomenon our family likes to call “fourth cookie syndrome”. Alright, it’s me. I’m our family. Made the syndrome up myself. But hear me out.

It was identified one frustrating “cookie day”. Each Wednesday, my kids had a short school day and would be home just after lunch. We thought it would be fun to establish a little tradition so we created COOKIE DAY! We'd bake cookies after school and it was an extra special day because I’d offer my best attempt at abating my obsessive portion-control tendencies and let them *sigh* indulge freely!

One week, though, we struggled. Maybe my tendencies weren’t in check - maybe kids were greedy - choose your perspective. Either way, after three cookies each I drew a line and cut them off. A couple kids threw a fit over not getting a fourth cookie. I held firm. The ensuing devastation was momentous. The poor, poor deprived children gave an impressive performance of their pitiful circumstances. I mean, how dare I deprive them of their one and only piece of happiness in their sad lives?

Fourth cookie syndrome: the depressed state of an individual denied an additional blessing… after previously enjoying several.

Do we do this sometimes? Do we complain about circumstances when we should instead be feeling gratitude? At any and every given moment, there is something to be grateful for. Especially in times of frustration, a conscious recognition of this is useful. Are you feeling a little 'fourth cookie' because your partner is always running late? How do your complaints look to the woman who's husband just passed? To the exhausted employee who's working overtime. How do your cookies look to the guy who can't find a job?

The first time I remember really internalizing gratitude, I was a teenager. I’d sprained my ankle in a volleyball game and the pain was intense. I remember kneeling to say my bedtime prayers and could hardly tolerate the throbbing. For whatever reason, I decided to force myself to focus on the parts of my body that were not in pain. It didn’t ease the pain of my ankle but it rerouted my focus, and that helped me cope. I promised God then and there that when my ankle was healed I’d go out of my way to recognize when it wasn’t hurting. And I do! I give out random thanks to heaven for an ankle that is well and pain-free.

Try this. Think of the last time you complained.

Where were you? What were you upset about? What expectations weren't met?

Can you find a blessing hiding behind that situation?

I'm standing by my previous statement. "At any and every given moment, there is something to be grateful for." In the throes of a dilemma, finding the blessings will be a balm. It won't solve the problem you’re facing at the moment, but the mindset shift will be liberating not only for you, but those around you as well. When I lost my mom, I had to keep reminding myself that I had 36 years of that beautiful relationship. It didn't bring her back, but it helped me smile through the tears.

Try this little experiment. For no reason at all just recognize a blessing you have and say thanks. Thanks, honey, for going to work today. Thanks, random dog for not chasing me. Thanks, driver for letting me merge. Thanks, vehicle, for not breaking down. Once you get used to it, you'll be better at applying it to the bad times.

Thanks, dear child for keeping your muddy shoes on the floor instead of getting on the bed with them too.

Thanks, oven, for being operational even though your timer is not. I'll have an edible dinner tomorrow.

It may seem fruitless to throw out random appreciation like this but gratitude has silent strength that is too often untapped. Duke University studied a gratitude approach that yielded incredible results. My doctor recommended it to me when I was having a little postpartum blues. After feeling the results we’ve continued to implement it in our family when we’ve needed some lift.

The nutshell version is this; before bed each night you record three things you’re grateful for that happened that day. There are some stipulations and valid reasons behind them all - follow the rabbit hole if you’re curious. For now I’ll verify personally, I know it works. I know that after two weeks of recording blessings consistently, people are in general happier and more peaceful than those who don’t.

Evaluate your focus. Do you generally focus on what you don’t have more than what you do have? What you want rather than what you have? Rerouting our thoughts to hone in on the positive rather than the negative is truly medicinal. And recognizing how good we have it is where we'll find joy when we need it most.

Next time you find yourself upset about something, take a deep breath. Look around at all the cookies you’ve had. Count them. Don’t let the denial of one thing rob the enjoyment you received of another. Dark clouds have been feeding your flowers all along.