This is a follow up to the post about checking in with the mirror. As someone who tends to absorb others’ energy, self-reflection time is crucial. It helps me own... me.
But beware, knowing yourself includes recognizing your limits and weaknesses. Inadequacies will pop up unsolicited in the mirror so be ready for them. Take them standing up.
My favorite line from the movie Wreck it Ralph comes at the very beginning as Ralph is introducing himself. “My passion is very near the surface,” he says.
I hear you buddy. My ability to function during times of grief, frustration or other potentially debilitating emotions is due to one crucial feature in my virtual room. My shelf.
No matter how good you are at juggling, life’s unpredictability will always be throwing more balls at you. To stay in business, you need a system for superfluous balls.
This is why, after a good mirror, the next item on my essential-items-for-functioning-adults list is a shelf.
It’s small and simple, with room enough for only a couple things. Easily accessible, but out of the way. When something comes up that you’re not ready for, decide which issue to deal with at present and which to set on the shelf for later. It helps avoid the paralysis that can come from getting overwhelmed (a balm for those of us who struggle with multi-tasking).
Scheduled Meltdowns?
Have you ever needed a meltdown at a really inconvenient time? Like you weren’t able to really wallow because you were busy doing something else?
During a particularly difficult period, while sitting in a meeting, I was triggered. My emotions quickly neared the point of eruption. After fighting back tears for several minutes I discreetly exited the room, went into a hallway and then I let them spill. I took a few moments to purge.
Then, I took a deep breath because unfortunately, I had some adulting to do. I was scheduled to lead a small group discussion within just a few minutes.
Naturally, all I wanted to do at that moment was drive home, crawl into bed and soak my pillow. Had I not been otherwise obligated I would’ve done just that.
Granted, if I had checked out, I’m sure someone else would have stepped up. But that wasn’t necessary because I put my grief on the shelf.
I cleaned myself up and told the girl in the mirror we’d confront it later. Right then I was needed elsewhere. Crawling into bed wasn’t going to solve the issue and it wasn’t going to make me or anyone else feel better. I put that sorrow on hold.
Shelves have two principal benefits:
1. Since you’re postponing and not dismissing, it allows you to take some weight off your shoulders and give yourself totally to the present moment without distraction, knowing there will be a future time to deal.
Some situations can be debilitating and we can’t just check out of life when trouble comes. We still need to function, work, socialize, learn, teach, eat. The shelf is designed to give you respite when you need it.
Good therapists aren’t always on call. They schedule appointments.
2. Things tend to cool down on the shelf. As emotions rise, objectivity tends to decline. In the heat of the moment, we can lose our senses and ultimately our composure. There are times and situations when we just ain’t got time for that!
In those moments, it’s okay to say to ourselves, ‘I’m gonna worry, cry, scream, rage about this… later.’ Then, when we make time later, and make time we must!, we approach the shelf with intention. Don’t be surprised if the awaiting item is less intimidating than before.
Time is an excellent mitigator. The intensity of emotions diminish when we don’t give them our energy. And in the interim, a well-kept shelf has some clarifying properties.
Sometimes I see clearly as soon as I pick a shelved decision up that it’s right. Or wrong! Sometimes I have to do a little more considering, but my perspective of the thing is often not the same as it was when I first placed it on the shelf. Shelves are magic like that.
Examples of things to put on the shelf:
a tough decision
A stressful obligation
a worrisome news story that’s relevant but not imminent
a grief we haven’t addressed
Personal mistakes or failures
Large purchases
Wait. Purchases?
Not kidding. Any time I’m about to make a significant purchase, it goes on the shelf. In fact I have a mandatory 24 hour rule if an acquisition will potentially strain my budget.
Salesmen dislike my rule but it gets me out of those sticky high-pressure moments when they’re trying to seal the deal. “I love it. I love you! I definitely want to make this purchase right now, but you see… I have this rule.” Magic, indeed.
Now, hear me out.
Just forgetting about a troubling issue for a period does us no good. Give it time to breathe and get busy in other things.
There’s a reason we’re talking about a shelf, not a closet or a garbage disposal. Make time to revisit that shelf within a reasonable time period. Pick it back up. Neglect is an ugly word in every way it’s used.
One last word about maintenance. Notice I said “well-kept.” Everything on the shelf needs to be attended to in a timely manner. It’s a small space and doesn’t have room for clutter. It’s a tool of self-compassion.
The shelf is not intended to aid denial. It’s intended to open up space for clarity.
I'm neither advocating nor condoning the dismissal of strong emotions every time they arise. Absolutely not. Remember, you get to decide which item to put on the shelf. Sometimes, the emotion is the thing to be attended to first.
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